LIFE

Deep connection happens in person

Andrea Henkels
For Living & Being
Andrea Henkels

February is a wonderful time of year to honor the important relationships in our lives.

We send flowers, cards, exchange lollipops and chocolates, enjoy candle-lit dinners, or text heart and cupid emojis. Our relationships deserve to be honored because human connection adds great value to our lives. Technology, the internet, email, text and social media have significantly changed the way we interact and connect, and for many have led to a greater number of people in their lives. We can Skype with Grandma in Florida, have a teleconference with colleagues in Berlin, ski down a mountain with our best friend via a GoPro and set up a date with someone we have never even met by swiping right. It is incredible how easily we are able to connect with others now.

There are many benefits to being able to connect so easily and quickly with people all over the world, and when used in balance it is very useful.

However, recent research is suggesting that the distraction of our cellphones and social networking sites may be decreasing the depth at which we are connecting with one another.

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Social networking sites, such as Facebook and Twitter, are now used by 1 in 4 people worldwide, with 63 percent of American Facebook users logging in at least once a day and 40 percent of users logging in multiple days. In a talk given by author Simon Sinek he compares the overuse of social media with alcohol, cigarette and gambling addiction. The use of social media and texts actually releases dopamine, similar to these other addictive behaviors. Sinek suggests that instead of turning to peers for support when we need it, we are learning to numb ourselves out via texting and social media, and trying to gain self-esteem from “Likes” on these platforms. Instead of letting our minds wander and come up with new ideas we think we are bored and begin distracting ourselves with our screens. Everywhere we go we see people on their phones, scrolling. This may seem harmless, especially because everyone is doing it, but more and more research suggests social media may affect our mental health and well-being.

Human connection is a basic human need and although our cellphone and social media platforms allow us to contact one another, they do not fulfill this need. This need can only be met one-on-one, in person. According to Cornell University's Steven Strogatz, social media sites can make it more difficult for us to distinguish between the meaningful relationships we foster in the real world, and the numerous casual relationships formed through social media. When we focus our attention, time and psychic energy on the people in our social networking groups we may weaken the meaningful relationships in our lives.

Ethan Cross, the social psychiatrist at the University of Michigan, stated, "On the surface, Facebook provides an invaluable resource for fulfilling the basic human need for social connection, but rather than enhance well-being, we found that Facebook use predicts the opposite result — it undermines it."

Social networking sites also encourage people to be more public about their personal lives. Because intimate details of our lives can be posted so easily, users are prone to bypass the filters they might normally employ when talking about their private lives. When we post online we let numerous people into our personal lives and we also invite in opinions of those we normally wouldn’t even value. We therefore are decreasing the value of our most intimate moments, not only because many times we interrupt the special moment to get a picture so we can share it, but because the minute we post about it the private moment is no longer private. We create connection by sharing ourselves with one another fully, if it appears all over your wall, the private revelation no longer feels as important.

Medical News Today reported a study in 2012 suggesting that Facebook use may feed anxiety and increase a person’s feeling of inadequacy, so maybe the next time you log in consider how it truly makes you feel and how your use of social media may be impacting the way you interact with those you truly cherish. Consider using the month of February as an experimental time to increase your deep connections by trying a few simple things. When you go out to dinner with friends ask everyone to leave their cellphones at home or at least in the car. Charge your phone in the living room, not by your bed, so you are less tempted to check it in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning, and give the person sleeping next to you a kiss instead. If you want to increase intimacy with your partner, consider leaving all electronics outside of the bedroom — it will mean you focus on one another instead of
staring at devices.

Visit somewhere off the grid, where there is no service — this could be a mountaintop or another country. Instead of staring at your phone when you are waiting for the train, a meeting to start or for your friend to come back from the bathroom, try sitting peacefully, allowing your mind to roam, allowing ideas to come, to feel gratitude, to compliment someone on their shoes or smile, or whatever. Limit your time on social media platforms. Try not posting anything for a week and see how you feel, or just be more aware of how you use it. Do you feel addicted? Do you worry if you don’t get to post or check other’s status updates? What if you scheduled an activity with your friends instead and got an in-person update?

We need unplugged moments to have connection, to have meaning and purpose in our lives. No matter how many “Likes” we get, it will never be the way to fulfill the thing we are searching for — deep, loving, lasting connection with all the truly important people in our lives.

Andrea Henkels is the founder of Centered Health Healing Arts. She is a licensed acupuncturist, certified health coach, writer and travel enthusiast. Follow her at AdviceIGiveMyself.com for tips on wellness and happiness. Visit CenteredHealthHealingArts.com to learn more. Contact her at amhenkels@gmail.com