Definition of fatherhood changing perception

The “I do dishes, you do diapers” assignments that once defined mixed parenting may be a thing of the past. But the shifting parental landscape, where dads are expected to be involved physically, economically and emotionally, is not so easily defined.

“Families are taking a hard look at how they want to raise their families,” said Lance Somerfeld, co-founder of Citydads, a nationwide organization designed to help dads support one another as they navigate through fatherhood.

“In the last five years the perception in society is starting to warm up about dads’ roles,” he said. “And men are seeing their peers more active and tuned in with their families.”

But yet many dads grapple with defining their expectations and desires.

“There’s a void in a kind of bigger conversation as to the role fathers could and should play,” said Will Brigden, who is the dad of a 5-month old and is coordinating the creation of a fathers’ group in the New Paltz area. “There’s a lot of literature and trends about dads being open and supportive, but when you say it to a guy it bounces off. What does it really mean?”

Brigden is quick to point out he’s operating only from his own experiences, but many of them seem universal for the dads of today’s young children.

“We didn’t grow up with the ‘buck up and be a man’ thing, so there’s a feeling we just innately know how to be open emotionally and supportive,” he said. “But there’s another level of openness and it takes a lot of strength — strength in a different way — so that we’re not vulnerable, but accessible. It’s something you wrestle with as you get older, and as a man, and certainly now in your role as a father.”

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Since much of our lives build upon past experiences, it’s also challenging to define new roles for established assumptions.

“We all take lessons from our own fathers,” Brigden said. “They can be what you don’t want to do as a father, but also admitting the great things your dad did that are solidified in your character. Just in these last five months (since his child’s birth), I better understand the challenges that my father went through.”

Somerfeld first encountered fatherhood challenges when he took a leave from his teaching job to become a stay-at-home dad seven years ago.

“I’m a very social person, but I was plunging myself into uncharted territory and quite frankly I was terrified about it,” he said. “I wanted a network that I could lean on and discuss ideas with.”

Initially, just he and a friend were “the group,” but they met weekly, taking their children to museum outings and trips to the park. It slowly grew and then, eight months later the recession hit. Suddenly fathers throughout the city found themselves staying home with their kids, many for economic reasons.

“Most men who end up being laid off don’t consider themselves ‘at-home fathers’ but they do wind up being a caregiver — and many stay with it,” Somerfeld said. There are now 1,500 men in the New York City Dads Group. They talk about everything from sleepless nights, to potty training and where to buy the freshest groceries. They go to movie openings with their children, and lectures with other dads.

“We’re having the same conversation as women, minus maybe the breastfeeding challenge,” Somerfeld said.

The changes reflect a societal undercurrent that’s expanding the definition of fatherhood.

“People take the lead from what they say and hear,” Somerfeld said. “For years when you look at brands, commercial, TV shows, many were making dad be the imbecile. Thankfully that’s changing.”

One of the most popular Super Bowl 2016 ads had football players styling their daughters’ hair, with the message that daughters with involved dads grow up to be strong women. Other recent ad efforts include Dove’s #RealStrength campaign and even Nyquil’s humorous “Dads don’t take sick days” campaign. Dads 2.0 summit brings together many fatherhood bloggers throughout the country.

Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook fame is being called “America’s Parent-in Chief” proudly documenting his shift into fatherhood, including taking a two-month paternity leave and posting pictures at pediatrician appointments.

“We’re just out in the world trying to change the face of fatherhood with our lifestyles,” Somerfeld said. “We don’t need to be applauded because we’re grocery shopping with our kids. We’re parenting. And dads can do it, too.”

Theresa Keegan is a freelance writer. Contact her at life@poughkeepsiejournal.com

Resources

• Nationwide organization of dad groups: www.citydadsgroup.com

• National At-Home Dad network: www.athomedad.org

• For information about the changing voice and perception of modern fatherhood, visit the Dad 2.0 Summit: www.dad2summit.com

• The dads group forming in the New Paltz area is open to new members who seek to “retain their authenticity and truth as we explore how to be the best husbands and fathers that we can be in mind, body, spirit and heart.” For information, contact fatherhoodgroup@yahoo.com